That's right, the honey badger is back. I was hesitant to bring him back, what with my terrible showing over the first half of this season, but 2 straight weeks of .500 or better picks (insert joke about low standards here), plus 3 straight weeks of nailing my midweek game pick convinced me that it's time to let my gambling honey badger roar again.
With that said, let's get to the picks, as always, home team in CAPS.
Arizona (+10) over ATLANTA
Why this looks silly: Atlanta is 8-1, Arizona is 4-5 and on a 5-game skid.
Why honey badger don't care: Atlanta has won by 10+ a grand total of 3 times all year, and they've played the entire AFC West already. Arizona's pass defense is legit, and Julio Jones may not play. A 10-point spread? Really?
DALLAS (-8) over Cleveland
Why this looks silly: Are we sure Dallas isn't just going to gag all over themselves like they almost always do?
Why honey badger don't care: Aren't we sure Cleveland is going to gag all over themselves in the most excruciating way possible?
Green Bay (-3) over DETROIT
Why this looks silly: I don't know.
Why honey badger don't care: Discount Double Smack!
Cincinnati (-3.5) over KANSAS CITY
Why this looks silly: Cincinnati hasn't proven enough to be a road favorite.
Why honey badger don't care: You're thinking of taking Kansas City? Really? Are you ****ing kidding me? Have you seen them? Could they kill a snake and eat it? Huh? No! And there are 53 of them.
WASHINGTON (-3) over Philadelphia
Why this looks silly: Washington's defense can't stop anybody, and RG3 has been slowing down for few weeks.
Why honey badger don't care: Nick Foles isn't the answer, except to the question: "Who started the last game at quarterback for the Eagles in the Andy Reid era?"
CAROLINA (+1.5) over Tampa Bay
Why this looks silly: Carolina is 2-7, and Tampa Bay is 5-4 and on a 3-game winning streak. Oh, and Tampa already beat Carolina.
Why honey badger don't care: The Panthers are better than they look. Cam is improving after sulking like a baby for a stretch earlier in the season, and the defense does a good job keeping a lid on things. This is a patented honey badger gut feel...or indigestion.
HOUSTON (-15) over Jacksonville
Why this looks silly: A 15 point line is pretty high
Why honey badger don't care: Watch Blaine Gabbert for 5 minutes and then tell me you feel confident taking Jacksonville. I bet he doinks more passes to JJ Watt than to any of his receivers.
ST. LOUIS (-3.5) over New York Jets
Why this looks silly: The Jets still have Rex Ryan, and he can make young quarterbacks look very shaky.
Why honey badger don't care: Have you seen the Jets offense recently? They're beyond terrible. Sanchez stinks, Tebow apparently stinks more, and they have no running backs or receivers worth a damn. Any halfway decent defense shuts this offense down.
New Orleans (-5) OAKLAND
Why this looks silly: New Orleans hates a) playing on grass and b) playing on the west coast.
Why honey badger don't care: Carson Palmer once hit me with a throw intended for Darius Heyward-Bey. And I'm all the way out in the desert. True story. Who are they playing? You know what, I don't give a ****. Pick the team not quarterbacked by Carson Palmer. You'll thank me...hopefully with some snake meat.
DENVER (-8) over San Diego
Why this looks silly: San Diego did have a 24-point halftime lead in their last meeting before everything went south.
Why honey badger don't care: This pass. Do I really need to say anything more? No. Forget this, I'm gonna go kill me a cobra.
Indianapolis (+9) over NEW ENGLAND
Why this looks silly: New England's the better team, and isn't starting a rookie quarterback.
Why honey badger don't care: I've seen snake carcasses that play better pass defense than the Patriots back 7. When's the last time they protected a double-digit lead in the fourth quarter in the United States? That's right, week 5 against Denver.
Baltimore (-3.5) over PITTSBURGH
Why this looks silly: Baltimore has 1 win vs a team over .500: New England back in week 3. That's it.
Why honey badger don't care: Man, I wish Byron Leftwich was a snake. He's so frigging slow. I'd be halfway done with him as my meal before he even thought about running away. Seriously. I know the Ravens aren't nearly as fast as me, but even they can get to Leftwich. Dude's a statue.
SAN FRANCISCO (-5) over Chicago
Why this looks silly: One of these two teams just tied the St. Louis Rams at home. And it's not Chicago.
Why honey badger don't care: Jason Campbell, aka, Captain Checkdown is officially starting this game for the Bears. Throwing every pass within 3 yards of the line of scrimmage doesn't win games against good teams on the road.
This week: 1-0
Last week: 7-7 (.500)
Season: 62-79-5 (.442)
Snakes harmed in the writing of this post: 0
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