Terrell Owens

Terrell Owens: where should he end up?

The Cowboys have now become the third team to decide TO is more trouble than his play on the field made him worth. Apparently it is possible to send Jerry Jones over the edge, if you were to try to kill yourself, drop some passes, chase off a Hall of Fame coach, publicly cry for your quarterback, accuse your QB and tight end of conspiring to keep you from getting your catches, drop more passes, burn your bridges with your offensive coordinator, drop a few more passes, throw your backup QB under the bus, poison the rest of your WR teammates against said OC, and drop yet more passes… then Jerry will do something about you.

Now, Mr. Next Question gets to shop a 35-year old WR who fractures locker rooms and is showing signs of decline on the field to the rest of the league. Who should be at the front of the line?

We’ll start by eliminating everyone that’s already had to deal with TO firsthand. This list includes Dallas, Philadelphia, Greg Knapp and Jim Mora (Seattle), Todd Haley (Kansas City), Sean Payton (New Orleans), Brad Childress (Minnesota), and of course, Bill Parcells (Miami). It’s much easier to resist the temptation of believing you can control the wild hyena when you’ve been in the cage with him and seen him devour your friends first-hand. This takes 7 teams off the list right off the bat.

Next, we can discount the teams with young or recently-hired head coaches. These coaches are still in the process of setting themselves up with the players in their locker room, and thus cannot afford to bring in Owens and risk losing it. This includes Rex Ryan (NY Jets), Eric Mangini (Cleveland), Josh McDaniels (Denver),  Jim Schwartz (Detroit), and Steve Spagnoulo (St. Louis). 

Next, we have to look at the quarterback position. Much like the coach has to have control of the locker room, the quarterback must have control of the huddle. You can’t convince 10 other guys likely making less money than you to throw their bodies around protecting you or catching your passes if you don’t have their respect. You can’t get their respect if you aren’t the alpha dog in the huddle, and you can’t be the alpha dog in the huddle with TO there unless you already have the unquestioned backing of the other 9 guys in the huddle. So unless you want to destroy a young QB like Trent Edwards (Buffalo),  Joe Flacco (Baltimore), Matt Schaub (Houston), Aaron Yourenotbrettfavre (Green Bay), Matt Ryan (Atlanta), or Shaun Hill/Alex Smith (San Francisco), you’re steering clear of the TO.

Note: You may notice I didn’t include JaMarcus Russell and Oakland in the preceding paragraph. Russell certainly qualifies as a young quarterback that any sane organization wouldn’t want to risk letting TO destroy, but when you’re organization is run by the crypt keeper, well, we’re clearly not talking about a sane organization. Leaving Oakland in, TO’s choices have still narrowed to 14 teams.

Now let’s deal with the question that would normally be first on the list when considering a FA wide receiver: does my team actually need a #1 or #2 receiver? If I’m the Patriots (Moss & Welker), Steelers (Ward & Holmes), Colts (Wayne, Gonzalez, & Smith), or Cardinals (Fitz, Boldin, Breaston), why on earth would you risk you recent successes (all but the Cardinals have already won a Super Bowl, and Arizona was there just last year) for TO? There’s not much sense in selling your soul for the prize if you’ve already won the prize on your own.

On a similar note, if you’re not going to win the prize even if you get on-his-best-behavior TO, why bother? So Cincinnati and Tampa Bay are crossed off the list.

This leaves us 8 teams who could make a legitimate case to sign TO, listed below from making the least amount of sense to the most sense:

Chicago: Chicago has been looking for offense for approximately 75 years. But when your classic quarterback is Jim McMahon, receivers aren’t what has been holding you back. Sure, Chicago could trick out their rims, but they’re still driving a Pinto (Kyle Orton) with an Edsel (Sexy Rexy) in the garage.

Jacksonville: Jacksonville may not drive a Pinto, but their Civic isn’t very exciting either. On the surface, this team doesn’t look like a terrible option for TO. They were a chic Super Bowl pick before last season and their receivers are dog manure.  But their team is based on running and defense, and it’s unclear whether David Garrard can get TO the ball nearly enough to suit him, which is just asking for trouble.

Carolina: Adding TO to Steve Smith and Moose Muhammed would give Carolina a passing attack almost as formidable as their 2-headed rushing attack. Of course, when your quarterback accounts for 9 turnovers in his last 2 playoff games, you might want to focus there first. As a bonus, Steve Smith has punched out 2 teammates already, so this might be the one situation where TO is too scared to raise holy hell.

Washington: The Redskins don’t quite fit into any of the categories to exclude them from signing TO, but you could make the argument for just about all of them: New coach? Jim Zorn’s only in his 2^nd year, and last year he had his hands full with Clinton Portis. Young quarterback? Jason Campbell has been there awhile, but 2 other quarterbacks have steered the Skins to the playoffs during his time in Washington. Contender? They’re close, but they had a very uninspiring end to last season. Of course, their owner is Dan Snyder, and Washington would give TO a chance to exact revenge on both Philly and Dallas, so you certainly can’t count them out.

San Diego: The Chargers are oozing talent. Even if you believe Tomlinson is done (and I don’t blame you), they still have Rivers, Sproles, Gates, Chambers, and Jackson on the offensive side of the ball. Adding TO makes their offense deadlier, and with Tomlinson’s decline and Sproles being tiny, a 3-WR set makes sense as their base package. There are a couple of concerns and both are major: Are there enough balls to go around, and is Norv Turner strong enough to keep control of the locker room?

New York Giants: A crazy WR helped lead this team to the Super Bowl just over a year ago. And for all TO’s faults, he’s never shot himself in the leg. Obviously, if you have a choice between Burress and Ownes, you take Burress as the Giants, as he’s the known quantity. But between the prospects of jail and league suspension, you very well may not have Burress.

Oakland: Al Davis is both insane and incompetent, moreso than even Jerry Jones. ..

Tennessee: …But Tennessee still makes more sense. Veteran team, veteran quarterback who can sling the ball (see Oakland with Randy Moss). Good offense, bad receivers, firmly entrenched head coach, and they are coming off of a season where they were the #1 seed in the AFC but lost to a hot defense in the playoffs. Re-singing Kerry Collins means you’re taking a 1-2 year shot at the Super Bowl, so taking a high-risk/high-reward chance makes sense. If one team is going to roll the dice on Terrell Owens, the Tennessee Titans make the most sense.